Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
