I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
