Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
