I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
