In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
This is the high leading the old right now
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
