Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
