It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
You left your phone here
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