Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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