Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
