Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
