I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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