i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Dignity is for republicans.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
