How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
