somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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