i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
