My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize