if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
