I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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