just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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