my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Randomize
