i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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