my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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