We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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