I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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