u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
