hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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