There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
