Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
