I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Randomize
