I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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