Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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