He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
