At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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