I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Randomize
