The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
