My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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