Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
It's official drugs can't kill me
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
