I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
