I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
