I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
