I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Randomize