You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
