I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
