Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
