I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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