I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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