i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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