This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
my being single is dangerous.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Randomize
