We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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