I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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