My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize