i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
