Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
