I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
