Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
