Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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