Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
