I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Small penises have feelings too.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
