2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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